Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Day 13: Words Cannot Describe

I had a hard time preparing this post because I really was at a loss of how to describe the joy of what I experienced. I feel as though yesterday my little girl was born, I feel as though yesterday my little girl came to really know me, and I know her. As she was handed to me for the first time to hold, smell, kiss and cuddle I had to wipe my tears from her little head. It was a moment I had waited so long for but had underestimated the power of.

When you carry a child for 9 months it is taken for granted that at the end of the pregnancy journey you will hold your little one and welcome them to the world. The loving bond that you experience as you hold and nurse your baby is awaited with eager anticipation. I knew when Liviana was born that I would not be able to hold, cuddle and nurse her. I never focused much on the loss of those moments since we were so concerned about her well-being and survival after birth. The next several days were filled with fear, anticipation, anxiousness and happiness at her resulting improvement. I stood by her everyday with her little hand wrapped around my finger talking to her about anything and everything. That was my way of connecting with her and it has been wonderful and special. Yesterday however, I felt all of those emotions normally felt as you hold your baby for the first time immediately after birth, except ten fold. Tears of pure, strong love came pouring out. Our skin to skin contact relaxed her into the calmest state she has ever been in and overwhelmed me with love and joy. They had to come in and turn her oxygen down to 25 because she was hitting 100 on her Sats. We were both immmensly happy.

I was able to hold her because she was switched to the conventional vent yesterday. The transition went well, no bumps. She has continued to wean down on everything. Her morphine is down to 10 and they want to have her weaned almost off of that when they extubate her (hopefully in a couple days). Her pulmonary pressures on her last echo were back up to the 70's. They are doing another echo tomorrow to see if that has improved any. Right now the pulmonary pressures is the only thing that is not looking good so hopefully that will improve as she loses more of the fluid she is retaining.

She was needing to lose weight, as she was up to 8lbs. 13oz. She is now back down to 8lbs. 5oz which is much better. It is odd to think of her needing to lose weight but the weight was from post-surgery and possibly hindering her pulmonary progress.

Her feeds are up to 10cc's an hour and they are moving to 15cc's an hour this evening. She so far is not having any stomach or bowel difficulties.

I am waiting right now to hold her again and I am so, so excited. I have included a picture to share my joy with everyone else.


Cindy said...

I am so happy for you! You both look so sweet together in that picture. I completely understand the joy you felt when you finally got to hold your little one after days of waiting. You described it so beautifully in your post.

mom to Claire, 6/7/07 LCDH

Libby said...

Amy-What a truly precious picture. Sweet Livvy looks so comfortable on her mama's chest. I know exactly what you were describing, and yet your words gave me goosebumps.

Thank you for the update-way to go Miss Livvy!!

Mama to Makena, 9/30/06 LCDH

Tricia said...

Tears of joy for you here! It truly is a magical moment, whether it happens one minute, one day, or in our case, almost a month after birth.

I think li'l miss Livvy has nowhere to go but up. Cadenne had a pep talk with her earlier and told her how much better it is without that yucky tube down her throat. Livvy seems to have listened!

Seriously,though... once Cadenne was finally truly ready for that CV, she started improving by leaps and bounds... It seemed like things were happening quicker than I could type them! May your story be the same!

Hugs and love from California!

kmm0305 said...

It is so amazing to watch their heartrate and breathing rate slow down and their sats go up when they are being held by Mom and Dad. Hold that little girl as much as you can!

Mom to Leah 8.11.05 R-CDH and Omaha Children's NICU grad :)

Anonymous said...

Amy, this was so amazing to read. I am so happy that things are going well. I am thinking of you all the time. Hugs from here.

kara said...

Awww, what a sweet, sweet picture.

Anonymous said...

What a fabulous picture of you both. I think it really captured your love for her and your bonds with each other. She is a cutie with a very elegant and beautiful name. I expect great things from Liviana Grace. Xath