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Monday, June 23, 2014

Liviana Grace Price ~Our Angel~

I sat staring at my computer screen many times, knowing I needed to update Liviana's Journey.  I didn't want to though...it was too final and just simply too sad for me.  Today I sat reading the last post made.  It was August 26th...just one month before we lost Liviana on September 26th.

We kept Liviana's decline, and our realization of what was happening somewhat to ourselves.  I think the announcement on that September morning caught many by surprise.  I felt myself close down (more than usual) on our family unit during her last week...wanting to soak up every minute without worry of updating on what was going on with her condition.
It was the beginning of September when the fears I had since diagnosis seemed to be becoming a reality.  Liviana, who always had a bright smile, was smiling less.  The last real smile I got from her was at the end of August when I returned after a quick weekend down to Arkansas to see my brother, sister-in-law and niece off to their new life in Brazil.  I walked over to her bed, bent down and she gave me the brightest, biggest smile.  I still see it in my mind...I cling to it.  At the time I didn't know it would mean so much...it would be the last.  That's why I hang on the little things each day with my kids.   Brad, G and Miles went to Italy for G's follow up trip at the beginning of September.  Evenings has gotten progressively worse for Liviana.  We usually had a great routine and she dozed off peacefully while holding mine or daddy's hand.  The evenings instead involved extra doses of medicine to calm her tight limbs and cries.  It ripped my heart out each night.  It was worse on any day she was moved too much.  I had to start getting her up less to change her bed out.  The times I did often required me to leave the room afterwards and cry.  She had gotten so fragile, she was uncomfortable having her clothes taken on and off.  We were now cutting her dresses so we could put them on her.  She loved her pretty dresses, as I have mentioned before, so I just rotated three dresses so I didn't have to cut them all...that would make her sad.   I gently rubbed lotion on her and dabbed lavender oil on her boney hips where she was susceptible to sores.  The smell of lavender oil reminds me of Liviana.  I could always tell she loved when she had her little "spa treatments" as I called them, even if she couldn't tell me so.  She looked at me less and I had begun to suspect she was rapidly losing her sight.  It seemed that she startled easily when I would reach out and touch her and sometimes it made her cry...this made me believe her hearing was weakening too.  The last week of her life she started having random periods of apnea.  I had to step away from the constant monitoring of her on the oximeter.  Her doctor came to see her the Sunday before we lost her.  She confirmed what we thought...that we were getting closer to that time.  I kept feeling like there was something I could be doing differently, that I could save her somehow.  That moment, when as a parent you realize you can do nothing but hold and love, is difficult...it is helpless and it hurts.  That week felt strange.  Brad had taken off work, we had a different routine and different mood in the house.   Things seemed quieter and calmer.  I look back at this as a blessing.  Livi was so peaceful.  She never seemed in pain.  I think I was somewhat in denial because she was so peaceful..still thinking there was something, anything I could do.  I was up with her in her bed until 3:30am that morning.  She had a perfect heart rate, calm breathing and I went up to bed because Adelina was having blood sugar checks and was restless.  Brad stayed downstairs with Livi in what had become the place he slept the past year and a half.   I remember laying in bed wide awake, occasionally patting Adelina back to sleep.  It was windy and I had the window at the foot of the bed open.  I remember the curtains blowing straight up for what seemed like an hour or so.   I was checking Adelina's blood sugar and getting ready to get up at 6:30.  Miles came upstairs and told me that Brad needed me downstairs.  As I walked down he called my name from the porch and I went out.  He took me by the hand, I saw tears in his eyes and he said, "I don't think you are ready for this".  I turned quickly and ran to Livi's bed.  I put my arms around her and he came up behind me...."She's gone?"  He squeezed my shoulders and cried, I cried.  I wasn't with her.  I wasn't with her.  I wasn't with her.  I am sobbing typing this.  How could I not have been with my baby on her last breath?  How?  I was with her every single day of her life except when I was with her G for his treatment and check ups.  I cared for her, I sang the ABC's with her, let her play with my hair, laughed at her humor, lingered over the perfection of her face, held her in my arms for hours while she struggled to settle her disease ravaged body.  She had my heart, she was my life every.single.day.

My Liviana is gone.  My life, my breath, my mind are never the same.  Forever changed, forever sad, forever hiding tears that most won't see.  Why was this angel given to us to lose?  Why...I will never understand.

This is Liviana.  Please, please...don't ever forget her!







Liviana knew what our lives had ahead of us as she prepared for her final days.  I believe in my heart, she knew before we even found out.  On August 13th we went to a doctor's appointment for what was our very unplanned 6th pregnancy.  We left that appointment in a bit of a daze (the daze may still be present) with the knowledge that I was carrying 3 babies....a 1 in 8,100 chance of spontaneous fraternal triplets.  We welcomed them into this world, at 38 weeks gestation on February 13, 2014.  Roman, Cecilia and Cristiano.

I can't even describe the emotions of losing Liviana when I was 18 weeks pregnant with her 3 siblings...followed by the emotions of looking into their eyes knowing they will never be able to look into hers.  They have given us all a gift.  I still look at them, at nearly 5 months old, in awe that they are in our lives.  They are miracles to me.  Sadly, we learned around 2 months old, that Cecilia has MLD, just as Liviana and Giovanni.   Our world seemed to crash again . We desperately wanted to have some normalcy...although things will never be normal.   We will fight, as we have for Liviana and G.  We will be going to Italy with Cecilia to go through the same gene therapy treatment her big brother had.  Our plan is to leave at the end of August and remain for 4-6 months.  The thought of this makes me sick to my stomach.  It is going to separate our family, strain our family and put my sweet baby girl through pain that she can't understand.  Please pray for Cecilia and all of my kids as we embark on this next journey that I would give anything to not have them endure.

Hug Your Babies!  

Amy



45 comments:

emily g said...

Your little girl will always live on, I'm not exactly sure how I heard about your daughter, I'm sure from someone on facebook, I also have a January 2008 baby (boy) so it seems I felt that small connection, I was heartbroken for you when I heard liviana passed, I to was pregnant at the time, and looking for the perfect L name to go with my son's and daughters, so on February 12 2014 I gave birth to my baby girl, liviana lennon. I just wanted to let you know your sweet angel will always be remembered! Much love and peace to you and your beautiful family!

Jennifer Tenney said...

Thinking of you, your beautiful family and your sweet Liviana. My baby girl was born with CDH and that's how I found out about Liviana. I followed your story for the last few years, since before her diagnosis. I fell for her gorgeous soulful eyes, beautiful eyelashes and sweet plump lips. You have an exceptionally beautiful family, both in appearance and in soul. I have admired your strength and hated for you all that you had to be strong. I am so sorry for your loss and for the continuing battle. I pray with all my heart that G and Cecelia will do well with the treatments. Many prayers and big hugs. Your Liviana will never be forgotten, even by strangers who never met you or any of your family.
Hugs,
Jennifer

Rachel McCabe said...

You are the best mom Amy. Never question that. You are not super human(although I am convinced you may be) and no one expects you to be. Liviana was ok to leave this world, as it sounds peacefully....because of what and how you both took care of her! You didn't have to be right there for her to know and feel your love. I honestly feel, without a doubt that even in her last moments she knew how much she was loved making her passing peaceful. As for the McCabe family, we will never ever forget Livi! You cant forget such an amazing little girl and her wonderful family.

Tara O. said...

What a heartbreaking and touching entry Amy. Thank you for sharing with us all. You are an amazing mom and Liviana knew that. MANY, MANY ((((HUGS))) and prayers for you all on your journey.

Dotty said...

Amy, thank you, I've often wondered about those last days and moments with sweet Livi though I would never ask. Thank you for sharing just a bit, a small glimps with us. I believe you were with Little Livi so much, every day and night that she chose when to leave this world, and didn't want you to see her go, you said her heart rate was perfect, she was peaceful, that's what she wanted you to remember. Your family is and has always been so special to me and are always in my prayers. I wish I could have met Livi, but thru your posts and photos I feel like I have. She will always be remembered.much love

Anonymous said...

Much love you and your family Amy. Beautifully and heartbreakingly written. -Audrey G.

Anonymous said...

Hi. My daughter was diagnosed with this disease when she was about a year old. They said she wouldn't live past the age of two. She is now almost 21. We are from Omaha, and all of her doctors treated her there. We now live in Colorado. I would love to be more involved in the fundraising for this. Thanks. Rebecca

Unknown said...

May God hold your family close as you begin Cecilia's treatment. May He heal your sweet baby. You inspire me as a woman and especially as a mother. Amy, you are incredibly strong and when you don't feel it - I pray that God lifts you up. Your Liviana was an angel. Time with our angels is heartbreakingly fleeting. You will see her soon and her big happy spirit will be near you always. God's love and peace - Cassandra

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