Day 39: Still Hanging On

We are still here in the "box". I think I intentionally made a new post today instead of tomorrow just so I did not have to type Day 40. I am holding out hope that we will be out of here by the end of the week.

His Neutrophil counts were 200 on Sunday and I never heard yesterday but I am certainly hoping that was the start of a regular upward trend. It has to be...we have 3 anxious little ones waiting to see him at home.

Sweet Aria. She loves him SO much and talks about him constantly. She came out the other day when I was home for a visit and said, "Giovanni will be home in 3 days" and showed me a calendar she had made, complete with yarn to hang it over her bed. 9 days prior she heard us saying that it would probably be 12 more days so she went and made a calendar and was marking off the days...she only had 3 left so she thought she would be seeing him soon. It made me so sad for her. I told her that we were not sure of the exact day but it would be more than 3. She was so sad so I told her we could add more days and keep the count going and promised her he would be home soon. I saw the calendar yesterday still hanging above her bed. She is such a sweet, special soul. I feel like she has to much seriousness and adult things weighing on her 6 year old mind. She talks about Liviana all the time and brings up, "Remember when Liviana would come running into the room and tell us, "Guys, Calliou is on, Calliou is on"...she doesn't run or walk anymore though, I miss that". It breaks my heart that she spends time thinking about those kinds of things. It is a daily event. I am honored to have such a sweet, sensitive, caring, nurturing daughter and I have to believe that all of this will shape her into the person she will be as an adult...I know she is going to be an amazing woman.

I think Giovanni has been in the hospital too long. He thinks of all of the equipment around his bed as "his" and he tries to run it all. Today, when his fluid pump starts beeping he walks over to the pump in his crib and starts pushing buttons to stop it. He is running things around here. I can't even begin to express what an amazing little guy he is. He continues to smile, laugh, play and have fun all day long. The situation has not phased him. He has not been outdoors in 39 days, his feet haven't touched the ground in 4 weeks and he is either in the crib/bed or high chair all day long. He still thinks his life is a joy. I love how he knows I am smiling at him even with my mask on. His face lights up and his smiles are the cutest thing ever. He blinks his little eye lashes and brings me such joy...and peace each day. He is growing up so much here too. He has started saying, "Night Night" and he says "Hi", "Car" and then has a whole intricate language all his own. He was playing on the phone today after I got off the phone with Brad and it sounded like he said, "Hi Dada" plain as day. He is just such a doll...I can see why the kids miss him so so much and the nurses adore him.

I have been slowly working on this post waiting for the blood counts for the day. I asked the nurse once for the numbers and she showed me a sheet that had HORRIBLE numbers including zero Neutrophils and platelets of 22,000. I have to believe it was an old sheet or someone else's sheet all together. She did not speak English so I could not discuss the issue with her. I hit the button a few minutes later and told her I wanted to speak to a doctor (Medico) and she left. That was about an hour ago...still no doctor. It is SO frustrating to have my entire day hinge on those numbers and I can't GET THEM. I can't leave the room so I am stuck here and just have a little nurse button I can hit but honestly, I have had to wait 40 minutes for someone to come when I do call a nurse. I have hit the button again...we shall wait...again.

I am debating about going home for the night and letting Tarah stay with Giovanni. He sleeps better when she is here than when I am. I thought a nice to just sit and do nothing and not sleep either on a chair or in a crib sized bed with a baby would be nice.

Ever since I was young, when I go to bed I tell myself what I want to dream about. I guess I always thought that my subconscious would listen. Sometimes it works. I still often do this and my usual dream request is about Liviana. I want to see her running, walking and being the Liviana we all know from just months ago. She has changed so much in the past couple of months. She is getting so tall, her hair is darker, curlier and longer. I try so hard to imagine what it would be like to round a corner in the house and see her standing there, with that amazing smile as she runs up, hugs my leg, looks up and says, Mommmmy. It is so hard for me to even imagine what has happened to our lives, and her life if the last few months. The "whys" are still there. It is hard to imagine any "why" this would happen to her. There is not good explanation. I hear the "God only gives you what you can handle" phrase all the time but my issue is, what about her? What about what she can handle, what about what she should have experienced and had in her life. I WILL handle this all but it certainly doesn't always mean I can.

I am still waiting on that nurse and/or doctor. Someone is shooting off fireworks outside. Maybe that is a sign for good counts :).

Hug Your Babies!