If I smile, laugh and seem to be enjoying myself, it is a front. While I am human and completely capable of enjoyment despite what we are facing, I feel pain down deep into the core of me all the the time. I feel guilt when I enjoy myself, fear when I see Livi's unsteadiness and overwhelming sadness when I see clothes in her closet that I had been setting aside from Aria that she may never wear. Walking through TJMaxx and seeing clothes and thinking, "This would be cute for Liviana" and then realizing, "Oh...she may not even get to wear that size, or make it to that season" was more than I could handle yesterday.
I really feel like I am an empty shell going from room to room, task to task. I love my time with the kids, they still make me smile and happy but for the absolute love of all that is good...how can I possibly live for one minute of any day without thinking of losing my baby. I cry, when I am alone, at the fleeting thought of our days without Liviana. She is part of us. We love her, we laugh with her, we imitate her saying "alright" in her funny, sweet little voice.
It really is such a deep, deep pain. I don't know what we are facing either, which makes it worse. I can handle the physical deficits. I will be by her side for every feeding, walk across a room...anything she needs. I am overcome with fear however about mental decline. I don't know how I will handle Livi not being "all there" mentally. I want her to know love every minute of her day and I am fearful that she won't be able to feel that love as she mentally declines.
I want to tell everyone I see about her, despite me being a somewhat private person. I want everyone to know that amazing face, those big eyes and those long, dark lashes. I want everyone to hear her sweet voice, see her kindness and how she takes care of her little brother and watch her grow. How, how, how can we possibly live without her. I want to scream as loud as I can, "This isn't F------ fair". I am wasting away inside as I wait for what comes next and live this nightmare for Liviana. I would give anything and everything for her as long as I could still be a mother to my kids. I have actually thought that if I could give my legs and just be a half a person I would still be able to mother them, hug and love them and she would still be here.
Blah...dinner is waiting thanks to some amazing, wonderful people from our church. I don't know what we would do without all of the people in our lives, whether they have known us for years and years, are family, are long lost friends or our new family at church. No parent should have to go through this and I would give anything in the world for Liviana to not have to go through this.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of you.
Check up DAY!
4 weeks ago